Day one of shooting.

Sister Lan and I strolled onto the set wearing matching graphic tees that read ‘I’m the Prettiest Bitch Here’, rocked sleek sunglasses, and exuded an absolute “we don’t know any of you people” aura.

The host leaned in with the microphone: “Word on the street is that both of you are newly single. Care to share the reason behind your divorces?”

I took an elegant sip of water. “Living like a widow in a marriage is nowhere near as fun as actually… being one.”

Sister Lan propped her chin on her hand, utterly unbothered. “Men are like winter coats. If the fit isn’t right, you swap it out.”

Then, right on cue, the two of us chanted our ultimate manifesto in unison:

“Husbands are replaceable! Best friends are forever!”

The comment section immediately went wild:

[Wait, where did this ‘radiantly widowed’ energy even come from?!]

[The Lu boys are currently drafting their lawsuits as we speak.]

[A fifty-year-old former Screen Queen still utterly crushing these young starlets. Iconic.]

[Even as a washed-up nobody, Ji Mingyue is gorgeous. No wonder she was personally selected by the Screen Queen herself.]

Then came the guest interviews asking why everyone decided to join the show:

The comments flooded in:

[I feel so bad for him, but I am wheezing with laughter!]

[These two men are literally side characters getting slapped in the face over and over again.]

[I am not skipping a single second of this show.]

The chat blew up once again:

[FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!]

[They need to rename this show Battle Royale of the Exes!]

[The Lu men literally look like they want to tattoo ‘HANDS OFF MY WIFE’ onto their foreheads.]

The official game began.

Host: “Time for the couples to draw their task cards!”

Sister Lan drew her card first: “Music?”

Uncle Gu (the high school sweetheart) smiled smoothly: “Right up my alley.”

I glanced down at my card: “Princess… carry??”

Shen Miao, the young heartthrob, blushed to the tips of his ears: “Sister… let me do it!”

The camera immediately panned over to Lu Chi.

The card in his hand was crumpled into a pulverized ball of paper.

Chu Shan flashed a sweet smile: “Brother Chi, looks like we get to test our chemistry~”

Lu Chi remained dead silent, his gaze locked entirely on… his ex-wife on the other side of the stage.

White Orchid beamed brightly at Dad Lu: “A-Cheng, let’s make a couple’s pottery vase together~”

Dad Lu’s forehead throbbed with bulging veins. He didn’t even bother replying.

Uncle Gu sat at a grand piano, lightly playing the opening notes of Marriage d’Amour. His eyes sparkled with deep emotion:

“Lan Lan, I’ve been practicing this piece… for twenty years.”

Sister Lan propped her chin in her hand: “Not bad. At least it’s better than my ex-husband, whose only talent was playing… the fool.”

Uncle Gu looked at her with burning devotion: “You have to let go of the wrong person to find the right one. You’re just as breathtaking as the day we met.”

Comments:

[AAAAAH Uncle Gu is so damn handsome!!!]

[The golden couple reunited at last!]

[I am shipping this so hard, no cap!]

Sitting nearby, Dad Lu was so consumed with rage he was practically chugging blood pressure pills straight from the bottle.

[CEO Lu: I’m getting cheated on in broad daylight, but I must remain calm.]

Shen Miao was the ultimate “golden retriever younger guy”—toned, muscular, and impossibly sweet.

During the challenge, he lifted me up in a princess carry effortlessly, as if I weighed nothing at all.

“Sister, you’re way too light! You need to eat more~”

Lu Chi gritted his teeth from across the room: “She literally demolished two bowls of extra-spicy hot pot last night.”

I let out a soft laugh: “You’re such a sweet kid.”

Shen Miao ducked his head, blushing crimson: “I’m only sweet for you, Sister.”

The camera panned over to Lu Chi.

The plastic water bottle in his hand exploded with a loud POP, spraying water everywhere.

Comments:

[Movie Emperor Lu: I wish I could just crawl under a car and end it all right now.]

[This older woman/younger guy duo is insanely adorable!]

[Someone fetch an ambulance, the green-eyed monster is spurting right off my screen!]

Dad Lu slumped into his chair: “I’m pushing sixty, my hands shake, I’m not making anything.” His eyes, however, were glued entirely to… his ex-wife.

White Orchid rolled up her sleeves: “It’s okay, let me do it.”

Less than five minutes later, she molded a vase: “A-Cheng, isn’t it pretty?”

Dad Lu gave a lazy “Sure,” stood up… and crushed it flat with his palm, turning it into a lumpy, mangled piece of clay.

White Orchid forced a painful smile: “Abstract art? What… what is it supposed to be?”

Dad Lu replied icy cold: “An urn.”

Comments:

[Is that urn big enough to hold all your salty tears, sir?]

[Dark-humor abstract art at its absolute finest.]

Chu Shan’s eyes gleamed with anticipation: “We do this all the time on film sets, right~?”

Lu Chi: “NG.”

Chu Shan leaned closer: “Think about it again~ Usually the director yells ‘cut’ when—”

Lu Chi: “Occupational hazard.”

Comments:

[Chu Shan is dropping hints until her tongue rots, and Lu Chi is playing deaf and blind.]

Keyword: Green Tea Bitch.

Lu Chi poured a glass of water for Chu Shan.

Chu Shan gasped softly: “Aww! Brother Chi, you’re so thoughtful~”

Lu Chi: “No. It’s a hint.”

He dumped the water out, leaving nothing behind but the soggy tea leaves at the bottom.

Chu Shan stammered: “Tea… leaves?”

Lu Chi stared straight into her eyes: “You.”

The entire stage fell dead silent.

Comments:

[HAHAHAHA Brother Chi just slapped the nation’s sweetheart straight across the face!]

[Their chemistry is sitting at absolute absolute absolute zero. Once you’re done, you’re done!]